Interview with Aleksandra Mielczarek, author of the book “Teens at the Crossroads”
Why the need to write the book “Teens at the Crossroads”?
When I started working as a psychotherapist with adolescents, I quickly noticed that one of the most common questions from parents is “is this normal at this age?”. I think this is a very legitimate question, and that parents are in great need of knowledge about how the teenage years are going and guidance on how to respond to various difficulties. My trouble, however, was that when working with specific parents, it is virtually impossible to give them a broad knowledge of the subject. I thought then that I would look for such a general, comprehensive book on the subject on the market and recommend it to parents at the beginning of therapy. Despite my search, I did not find a suitable item, and then the thought first occurred to me that I needed to write something like this, if only for my own purposes. At the time I didn’t have the space for it, but when the opportunity came, the general idea was actually already there.
Studies on the mental condition of teenagers present grim statistics or, in your opinion, is it really “all the fault of smartphones”?
Definitely not! I feel that adults overestimate the role of smartphones in a child’s life, and underestimate their own. Of course, there are many teenagers who abuse the Internet, and I absolutely do not dispute the statistics and research results. However, when a teenager uses the web inappropriately, it is usually due to something else, and the smartphone is just an attempt to find a solution to something that is the root of the problem.
Would you agree with the statement that the young once had it easier?
They certainly had it differently! I find it difficult to compare the challenges of today’s teenagers, for example, with those of me as a teenager. The world was very different then, we had much more limited access to information, other events were happening in the world. Today’s technology, on the one hand, provides many more opportunities and makes everyday life easier, on the other hand, this multitude of opportunities is often associated with stress, resulting from the fact that not all opportunities can be used. This is difficult for adults, let alone developing teenagers!
“You know he’s maturing when he becomes an alien overnight,” stated one father of a teenager. How do you not get lost while supporting a growing child?
I really wish there was a short answer to this question, and I have a feeling that even a book that has such a subtitle does not exhaust the topic. It is true that adolescence is a completely new territory to explore, both for the child and the teenager. I think it can be helpful to travel this territory together and explore its nooks and crannies. A sudden encounter with an alien can be scary, but it may also turn out that this alien doesn’t want to tear us to pieces, and getting to know it can be interesting and exciting, for both parties.
Is there “golden advice” for a parent of a child who is struggling with emotional problems?
Stop looking for golden advice and accept that it does not exist. And what follows is an understanding that a parent is not able to find a simple solution to their child’s problems. Working with teenagers, I am constantly discovering how much is gained by an approach that is more of being and listening than “helping.” When a teenager feels heard and is aware that an adult is really there for him – he surprisingly quickly discovers really smart solutions to his problems.
When to see a specialist or what signals or changes in our teenagers’ behavior should worry us?
First of all, certainly when he says he needs it. Certainly when we hear more or less directly that the child doesn’t want to live, or that he’s afraid of hurting himself. But also when the thought pops into a parent’s head that it might be worthwhile to get support from a specialist. There is a lot going on during the teenage years, and sometimes very quickly. It is not easy for parents to judge which change is due to puberty and which should be of concern. So if there is any question about whether it is worth getting help, I think it is worth it! It doesn’t have to be psychotherapy for the teenager right away, for a start you can attend a parenting workshop or get a parenting consultation. I dream of a world where parents take part in such consultations not only to solve problems, but also to gain confidence that everything is okay.
What are the most common reasons for teenagers to visit a therapist? What do young adolescents most often fail to deal with?
Often it is some difficult events in life that make it harder to deal with emotions. I’m referring to both experiences that are commonly considered difficult, such as a death in the family or peer violence. However, moments such as the end of school and having to choose a new one, or moving house, are also stressful. These are situations that cause teenagers much more stress than we sometimes think.
In your experience, do youngsters have the support of their parents in the process of recovering emotionally? What does this support manifest itself in concrete terms? What do parents do, how do they support their children during this difficult time?
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to view this situation from several perspectives. From the perspective of working in a private practice, I can say that teenagers definitely have support, since parents bring them to a specialist and are willing to pay for it. Sometimes parents are unsure how to properly support their child, but working on this is an important part of working with a teenager.
From the perspective of working at the helpline, I’ve witnessed the opposite many times, when parents say that the child is exaggerating, that he’s making things up and that psychologists are for crazy people.
From the perspective of working in a school, I think it just varies, and that there are as many answers to this question as there are parents in the world.
I’ve certainly never met a parent who wants bad things for their child. The trouble is more in how adults understand the good of children and what idea they have in arriving at what they think is good. That’s why I think supporting parents is such an important part of supporting teenagers!
What makes therapy difficult for a teenager?
There’s a picture that’s been circulating on the Internet that shows a cat that has just walked on freshly poured concrete. One of the captions of this picture says that the cat is family, and the freshly poured concrete is therapy work. I think there’s something to that, although I wouldn’t limit the cat to just the family.
Therapy usually lasts 50 minutes a week. While in the case of an adult, if they are motivated to work on themselves, whatever happens during the rest of the week – it can be punctured for something that will benefit the therapy. If a teenager hears all the time from close adults that he’s hopeless, or if he’s stuck in a school that puts an unbearable burden on him – then those 50 minutes are important, but more as a moment to catch his breath in order to get through the rest of the week.
How do the parents themselves cope? What do they come to the offices with?
If they come as parents, they usually come with anxiety and with doubts about whether what is happening to their child is “all that puberty” or something more serious. Of course, they also come with their baggage and beliefs about themselves, which, after all, strongly influence how they handle their role as a parent.
Do most adolescents who come to your office really need therapy? Or do their difficulties stem from functioning in a difficult social, family environment?
It’s difficult for me to clearly separate this, because I think in this case the boundary does not run between specific individuals, and it all depends on the stage at which the teenager comes to the office. If there is any difficulty in the functioning of a teenager, it is usually due to some minor or major difficulty in his environment. If such a child receives support early enough – he does not need therapy, but so-called psychoeducation. That is, learning, for example, what emotions are for and how to deal with them. If the environment is really difficult, then a change in the environment (e.g., a change in school or a change in some parent’s behavior) is also helpful then. On the other hand, if a child functions for a long time in an environment that is unsupportive to him, he perpetuates destructive beliefs about himself and learns ways of acting that are not helpful to him in the long run. This is when longer psychotherapy is needed, and often family therapy and the support of a psychiatrist.
How do you assess the competence of young people in building social relationships and communicating with peers?
Again, it is difficult to assess this unequivocally. I think most teenagers are doing very well in this area. Building social relationships is so important at this stage that if adults did not interfere with this in childhood or interfere in teenage years – then the young person will cope wonderfully.
There is also, of course, a group that has a lot of trouble with it. Often the experience of a pandemic has exacerbated this trouble, especially if it fell at the beginning of school. However, the sources of this trouble in each case are different and require an individual approach.
We know that one of the biggest challenges for today’s teenagers is the pervasive sense of loneliness and the lack of real friends, close supportive peers. Despite being in constant contact with peers, the closeness of these relationships is superficial. What is the prescription for this?
I guess I have a slightly different experience, because I feel that peer support is often what gives teenagers strength and a sense that there is someone who understands them.
Of course, there is also a large group that has otherwise, and I know those voices about superficial relationships with peers, loneliness and feelings of rejection. But as I mentioned a moment ago, then it’s important to discover how it works for that particular person.
How can we help young people as adults, parents, to build these competencies and learn to enter and maintain valuable relationships?
I think, first of all, to make sure that our relationship with our teenager is valuable, close and sincere. Teenagers really need good relationships with adults, much more than they show. If, in our interactions with them, we show them that they can be themselves, that they are respected and that we support them, they won’t need to seek acceptance in abusive relationships with their peers. They will also expect respect from them, and will show that respect themselves.
And when talking about relationships with adults, I don’t just mean parents. Often the right relationship with a teacher, aunt or other important person can really save a teenager’s mental health!
There is a lot of talk about the difficulties of adolescence. And yet, this is a time of youth, intense change, curiosity about the world, in a sense also freedom and unlimited creative potential. What is the greatest value of adolescence in your opinion, and can young people recognize it?
It seems to me that they may not think about it on a daily basis, so I have no confidence that they can perceive it. But even if they do, I think it’s more important that they are able to use this freedom and potential.
Recently, I watched for a while from afar some school group that was on the beach at sunset. Some of them were taking pictures, some were talking in pairs, and some were standing in a large group fooling around and trying some stunts. Someone was playing music, someone was darting around in disarray. One might think that they were disturbing others, or that they had stupid ideas and maybe it would be better if they didn’t jump around like that, because they would have to go with someone to the hospital and “make a problem.” Fortunately, I didn’t notice anyone communicating anything like that to them. I thought then that it was a very cool time! And that it’s good that adults don’t interfere with them and don’t take away such important, “ordinary” teenage moments.
Wywiad został przeprowadzony przez Joannę Parasiewicz, członkinię zespołu Instytutu Mindset.
